Right from my childhood I was prone to frequent illnesses. My studies did not go in a smooth linear order. There were intermittent breaks. In spite of these breaks I graduated from one class to another with determination.

There was a lull in my physical calamities between the ages of 21 to 37. Then in 1993 there was an unsolicited visitor, the vertigo. Doctors, check-ups and tests followed, and the physicians at AIIMS and CMC could not give me solace.

Yet, life continued on and spondilytus was added to my guest list. It was accompanied by back-ache, stiffness in the body, frequent fevers, and stomach ailments and nausea. I used to feel tamasic in the mornings with no will to rise and act.

I joined the SACAR M.Phil course and within days I found it to be very rigorous. Sri Aurobindo’s writings were very interesting and I would sit for hours together reading and contemplating. Unnecessary thoughts and talk were reduced.

I developed the habit of going to bed with study materials and reading them till my eyes closed out of weariness. I would sleep like a baby without any disturbance.

As I needed more time for downloading and taking print-outs from my online courses and reading materials I started getting up early in the morning and after a cup of coffee I would sit in front of the computer. After a month or so I realised that my morning tamas which was attributed to hormone imbalance had left me altogether.

As the days passed by I could organise my days in a better and fruitful way.

My physical ailments have also started leaving me. These days whenever I feel giddy, I prefer to lie down on sofa, take up any book of Sri Aurobindo and start reading it. By the time I have finished one paragraph my head would become normal. The frequency of fevers has also reduced.

At this point I would like to share some interesting happening. One day I was reading
The Life Divine. I felt a movement in my spine, as if bubbles were moving up. Within hours I had fever and breathlessness and vomiting sensation. But to my surprise, after recovery, my back did not affect me much. Now I am able to sit for two hours and work on the computer.

Thus I have a feeling that my health is improving and body is becoming more plastic. This I attribute to my mind’s preoccupation with study materials and the full-time contemplation and the happiness that I derive from reading Sri Aurobindo’s writings.

The other area worth mentioning is Sri Aurobindo’s influence on my mind. Many of the negative thoughts have left me for good. I am able to understand others’ points of view. I am able to accept others as they are. Every interaction, every relationship is becoming enriching. I am able to accept the fact that each being is at a different level in the evolutionary continuum and there is nothing to get upset about the way people behave. “Understand, accept and move on” has become my motto these days. When I feel this way I see a change in people around me. Now I know that the world is as it ought to be and I need to change myself instead of blaming the world.
I have learnt to look at the strength of others rather than finding faults.

Sometimes words would flow down and I finish off my work within a short period. The quality of my work in those particular moments is very high. At these times I experience a widening, deepening and heightening in my thought process and my expressions take a different hue. Mainly it happens during the night and I have kept a notepad to jot down whatever comes down at those moments. Many of my assignments are done this way in my sleep.

There is tremendous improvement in my writing skill and I witness an easy flow of thoughts. I used to struggle with vocabulary but now the struggle has reduced.

My vital also became very quiet; anxiety and jealousy has receded.

My house has become very peaceful, thanks to these studies. I feel as if Sri Aurobindo is sitting in front of me when I am immersed in his words. The joy that I get in those moments is indescribable.

After coming from the Personal Contact Programme at SACAR I became very quiet. I see two layers in me, one is always (almost, most of the time) with The Mother and the other is working as usual. This is a new phenomenon in me.

I am thankful for this opportunity given by Gurudev (I call Sri Aurobindo as Gurudev) to study and learn from him. I am growing and will continue to grow.

Author’s note: I have written this on the day before I left Pondicherry. As it came in my dream I did not want to add anything or change anything, as mentalising would spoil the spirit of it. When I am writing this last sentence I feel moved and tears are rolling down. So let me send it as it is and if necessary I will send a more formal essay on some other topic, e.g. the importance of Mantras in Hindu religion.